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Binders Full of Women: Collecting All the Ladycards in The Witcher – part 9

September 19, 2014

Princess Adda: Fiends with Benefits

The final part of our epic fuckquest : part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8. Today’s nicknames for Geralt are brought to you by the List of Final Fantasy Villains.

 

It’s been a long, hard, dick-joke strewn journey, but our binder is finally filled with women. Whether human or monster, we have plunged our swords into everything that we possibly can. What now? I’ve come to a few conclusions, some negative, but there are also plenty of things that were actually handled better than I feared.

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Binders Full of Women: Collecting All the Ladycards in The Witcher – part 8

September 17, 2014

Previously on Ladycards: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7.

 

It’s Chapter 5, the final chapter, and these are lean times for ladyhunters. Not only are there just three cards left to get in the game, each playthrough only allows you to get one of them! I’ve been following the questline that aligns you with the non-humans, so I am tragically only capable of witnessing the following lay in its full interactive glory. No, I am not playing through 50+ hours again (twice!) just for sexcards. Even I have my limits.

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Binders Full of Women: Collecting All the Ladycards in The Witcher – part 7

September 13, 2014

Previously on Ladycards: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6.

 

They have a very sexy cow in Murky Waters, the tiny, rural village you find yourself in for the duration of Chapter 4. The peasants are devoted to their cow, and dedicate themselves to her every need, guarding her jealously and evangelising about her voluptuous udder. They seem to take less care of their daughters, who keep wandering off and getting killed. Quick, better screw some of them first!

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Binders Full of Women: Collecting All the Ladycards in The Witcher – part 6

September 11, 2014

Previously on Ladycards: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5.

I was hoping I’d seen the last of that horrendous moppet Little Alvin, but no. Turns out he’s important. Plot-wise, in that he’s a magical vortex or something, but also sex-wise, in that you can use him as a bribe so that women will sleep with you!

Stuck for what to get her for her birthday? Try a creepy psychic urchin! She’ll be banging your socks off in minutes.

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Binders Full of Women: Collecting All the Ladycards in The Witcher – part 5

August 30, 2014

Part 5 of my terrifying trip through The Witcher’s sexual shenanigans. See also: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4.

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Binders Full of Women: Collecting All the Ladycards in The Witcher – part 4

August 27, 2014

My continuing unerotic odyssey through The Witcher: part 1, part 2, part 3.

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Binders Full of Women: Collecting All the Ladycards in The Witcher – part 3

August 24, 2014

Part 3 of an ongoing series – part 1, part 2.

Wotcha, witcherwatchers! Exciting news! Gerund has finally managed a non-squicky sexual encounter! I’m not sure I’d go so far as calling it sexy, but one step at a time, eh?

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Binders Full of Women: Collecting All the Ladycards in The Witcher – part 2

August 8, 2014

The inevitable continuation of my attempt to sleep with all the women in The Witcher and survive the experience with my faith in humanity/eroticism/videogames intact. Part 1 is here.

I’ve been in dark crypts and slimy sewers full of monsters, but the scariest moment I’ve had playing The Witcher so far was running through a hospital full of groaning near-death female patients coughing on the floor, desperately hoping that I wouldn’t have to have sex with any of them. Read more…

Binders Full of Women: Collecting All the Ladycards in The Witcher – part 1

August 3, 2014

To me, the sexiest videogame in the world is one with no sex, no nudity and no romanceable NPCs.

Years ago, when I was pregnant with twins, I was bored, nauseous and full of hormones. I was incapable of much more than playing videogames and lying on my bed thinking about sex. I didn’t want to HAVE any; that would involve moving. Instead, I played the first Guild Wars game, and imagined that my player character was an incorrigible, charismatic sex-fiend who slept with all the men and women in the game. Guild Wars has a diverse and beautiful world, full of diverse and beautiful NPCs. They are not romanceable, but they have just enough dialogue with you to give you a sense of who they are, and in my case, whether my character would want to fuck them, and they him. The rest, I could invent for myself. I would play a few quests, then script seduction scenes in my head. The chaste priestess, the gruff, taciturn ranger, the rebellious noble son, the distrustful, snarky assassin. It was great.

It was absolutely nothing like The Witcher at all.

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The Machine

July 30, 2014
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A piece of short fiction that acknowledges a stylistic debt to Mallory Ortberg’s wonderful Texts From.

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